Should parents intervene when children quarrel？ Psychologists’ 5-point analysis for reference
BEIJING, March 27 (Xinhua) Taiwan Province United News Network recently published an article saying, "What are you two arguing about? Is it finished? " Mother shouted loudly. "Who told my sister to grab my remote control every time! I only saw half of it, and she was making trouble over there. It was really annoying. " My brother stared at the TV screen and complained. Quarrel makes children have many functions, but has the problem of children arguing with each other been solved? In the face of children quarreling, in addition to making many parents feel irritable and headache, they are often wondering whether to intervene or not. How to intervene?
The article is excerpted as follows:
"You just bother! The remote control is not yours! I don’t want to watch your boring cartoons. " As soon as my sister finished speaking, she reached out to grab the remote control in her brother’s hand. My brother instantly hid the remote control behind his back and replied impatiently, "You are really wordy! Wait till I finish reading it! " My sister is not to be outdone. "Anyway, I just want to watch it now, and my cartoon is on!" "
The intransigence of the two brothers and sisters angered mother again. "If you two quarrel again, then don’t look at it!" Mother gave an ultimatum, threatening to press the TV switch. Suddenly, the brother and sister calmed down.
But not long after, as soon as my mother left her sight, "remote control!" came from the room. "You are very noisy!" "Why do I have to let you every time!" "Go away! Don’t get in the way! "
Listen, listen, mom’s fire is up again.
In fact, one of the purposes of having two or three children is to quarrel. Quarrel has many functions, such as language communication and expression, observation, social interaction and problem-solving ability. This is the envy of many only children. Noisy, noisy, know more about each other. Noisy, there is a chance to let us know how children solve problems.
Although, parents still want to be quiet for a moment.
"Stop arguing!" We hope all conflicts will come to an abrupt end.
But it is worth thinking about: has the problem of children arguing with each other been solved? Or, we just pushed the problem down. In the face of children quarreling, in addition to making many parents feel irritable and headache, they are often wondering whether to intervene or not. How to intervene?
1. Time point of intervention
Under what circumstances should parents get involved? The following time points are provided for your reference. First, the child’s quarrel pattern has become dangerous. For example, there are injuries such as pulling, attacking and violence.
Another situation is that in the process of quarreling, you always fall into a fixed pattern. For example, it is always my brother who wins, or my sister who always wins. Or quarrel because of the same thing, such as arguing about who controls the remote control.
2. Create communication opportunities
With the above argument about the remote control. At this time, parents can take away the remote control first, and then let the children try to solve, communicate and coordinate a mutually acceptable solution. No matter whether the elder brother changes his sister after watching it, or the younger sister changes his brother after watching it, or finds cartoons or programs acceptable to both of them. If the child is still young, he can’t think of alternatives. At this time, adults will give options and let children make decisions.
3. Pay attention to the frequency of quarrels
Of course, it is harmless to quarrel occasionally. Quarrel is also a stage and transition, but don’t become a fixed interaction mode for children. Pay attention to the frequency and intensity of children’s quarrels, and whether they continue to interact and play together after quarreling. At the same time, pay attention to whether children always quarrel with fixed people? Or do children quarrel with most people? If it is the latter, we must think about which characteristics of children are easy to argue with others.
4. Analyze key indicators
In the face of quarreling, we also have the opportunity to observe and understand the children’s interpersonal conflicts, his problem-solving model, and the physical and mental characteristics shown in the process of quarreling. For example, in the process of quarreling, the emotional expression of children is intense. ? Hysterical? Angry? Irritable? The tone and words of speech, whether to use some unfriendly words or harmful language. Whether the child has the ability to convince the other party.
Parents can pay attention to whether the child is always quarreling for a specific reason. At the same time, how the quarrel process goes and how it ends in the end. Track whether the relationship between them has improved after the quarrel. Understand whether children are easy to compromise, or insist on their own opinions and do not give in. Whether children can find each other or steps.
Step 5 analyze the consequences of quarreling
Let’s think about whether the children have brought some caring or irrelevant behavior consequences to themselves in the process of quarreling in the past. For example, the relationship between brothers and friends is broken, or the rights are deprived, or quarreling makes you feel bad, which leads to the suspension of what you should face in the future. For example, preparing for tomorrow’s exam or doing homework. Of course, there are also children who quarrel to pass the time, or attract others’ attention, or establish and maintain relationships, such as not quarreling and not knowing each other.
We are not afraid of children quarreling, but we still hope to learn more about children through quarreling. At the same time, think about whether you were too directly involved in children’s quarrels in the past, so that children didn’t have a chance to have a good quarrel and learn how to solve problems and communicate effectively. (Text: Wang Yizhong Clinical Psychologist)