Case study of family education： excessive satisfaction makes children lose their desire to make progress
"We’d rather wake up and worry about the company’s bad business than start worrying about our children’s study every morning as we do now. There may be losses and gains in doing business, but once a child loses interest in learning, it will be a lifetime for us. " Ms. Liang has been acting like a sister-in-law Xianglin recently, and similar words have been told to others over and over again.
Her children took the senior high school entrance examination this year, but they learn as if they were taught by others. Adults look at them closely, and play with themselves if they don’t. Either texting, watching TV, or chatting online. Before the exam, my son sometimes knows that he is in a hurry, but he doesn’t study hard.
"This has something to do with the education I gave my child since I was a child. When he was a child, he almost gave him whatever he wanted. When he grew up, he seemed to have no desire for anything." Ms. Liang’s nagging often adds such remorse.
Parents who didn’t get a pen bought ten pens to comfort their children.
Ms. Liang’s son Xiaoyu has been a darling since childhood. He is the first child born in the third generation, whether in his grandparents’ home or in his grandparents’ home. Before he was born, he was noticed by everyone. After birth, toys, snacks and beautiful clothes are almost everything you want. At the beginning, even the whole family compared to buying things for him. Today, this relative brought back a fun one after work, and tomorrow someone will bring delicious food.
Ms. Liang and her husband also tried their best to provide him with good material conditions: "We came from a period of material shortage, and we don’t want our children to be wronged. Seeing that other children have it and he doesn’t, we feel uncomfortable. " Ms. Liang remembers that when she first went to elementary school, she once commented on Xiao Honghua in her class, and the reward was a pencil. Xiaoyu went home crying because she forgot to bring her homework once. Ms. Liang saw that the child was crying, so she immediately went out and bought 10.
In this way, all the people in the family remember the advantages of this child when he was a child: "He never splashed like some children, made a scene without buying anything, and he never cried for anything." Later, Xiaoyu remembered that it was because there were many people in the family at that time, and if this person didn’t give it, others might secretly buy it back, so there was no need to cry again. "I realized this truth when I was very young." Xiaoyu thinks of this and thinks she is quite smart.
Slowly, parents also found that it was no good to go on like this, and what they wanted was easy to get, which was not good for their children’s future growth. They thought about changing the education method, but it didn’t work at all.
Once Xiaoyu wanted an MP3 player, and Aunt volunteered that I would buy one for you if you did well in the final exam. The exam results came out, and Xiaoyu did a terrible job. But my aunt brought a beautiful MP3 the next day. The condition is changed to "forget it this time, and you must do well next time."
"Seeing the eyes that children want but can’t get, my heart melted." Aunt’s tenderness is a common problem of the whole family and has been going on for more than ten years.
Later, Ms. Liang and her husband did business together, and the economic conditions at home were better. The car is good, and the house is good. Since Xiaoyu went to primary school, his parents used cars to pick him up and drop him off, which was envied by other students when cars were not popular.
At first, material incentives can still play a certain role in Xiaoyu’s study. He also feels embarrassed if he fails in the exam. But later, when you do well in the exam, you will be rewarded, and when you do badly in the exam, the punishment will never be honored. Material and learning are equal under any conditions, and learning has become indifferent to Xiaoyu.
Xiaoyu’s grades have been poor. At the beginning of junior high school, I only got a B grade, so I can only go to a very ordinary middle school. Almost the whole family mobilized, and through a very hard relationship, Xiaoyu went to the best middle school in the district.
"How can we compare with Xiaoyu? We can pick up and drop off high-class cars every day, and we can go to a good middle school with poor grades." This is what my classmates said, and Xiaoyu thinks so, too.
Lose competitiveness and comfort yourself with the failure of others.
In this way, Xiaoyu went to a very good middle school, but his grades could not be compared with those of most students who got in by scores. After a semester, it was difficult for him to escape the bad luck of being at the bottom of the grade. Xiaoyu’s parents realized that this child would be finished, and there was no way to transfer him to a very ordinary school. After that, parents paid more attention to Xiaoyu’s study, but Unemoto was not interested.
During the Spring Festival this year, Xiaoyu, who didn’t meet the test requirements, went to Java as in previous years. No one mentioned the agreement that "if you pass the exam, you will buy NIKE shoes, otherwise you won’t buy them".
In order to buy the latest model, he and his mother went to several stores. His parents discussed with him how to buy a pair of Li Ning brand, which has many new looks recently. But Xiaoyu resolutely disagreed: "Don’t! Now the worst in our class also wears Jordan. "
The senior high school entrance examination is coming, but Xiaoyu has no sense of urgency. He always fantasizes: "What if I study hard and get into college?" Not like my cousin. "
Cousin’s grades have been very good when she was a child. She did badly in the college entrance examination and was only admitted to a municipal university. When I graduated, my cousin found several jobs, but she was not satisfied with them. Later, except for civil servants, she didn’t like any job, but she was unfortunately the "cannon fodder" for the civil service examination. Recently, she stayed at home and didn’t want to find a job. The reason was that it was boring to work for others, and the money she earned was not as much as the pocket money her parents gave her now.
Xiaoyu felt that she was not competitive in learning, so she often comforted herself by saying, "According to my grades, I will take a second-class university at most in the future, and then I will not find a satisfactory job like my cousin. Then what am I trying to do now? "
Material abundance makes Xiaoyu not know where the spiritual pursuit lies. I have no clear hobbies, and I don’t know what I can do in the future.
"My father was studying to go to college and find a good job in the city without farming in the countryside; My parents are trying to run a company to buy a house and a car. Now that we all have it, what am I trying to do? "
In fact, Xiaoyu, who is tall, is still a very good child and knows how to care for his parents. But there is no motivation at all in learning.
Xiaoyu’s mother saw a theory called "rotten umbilical cord", which compared the contradictory relationship between parents and children to a rotten umbilical cord, which was disgusting but could not be cut.
Let the desire of "moderate dissatisfaction" cultivate dreams
Unlike Xiaoyu’s family, one of Ms. Liang’s colleagues has her own set of methods when dealing with children’s needs. Colleagues have a six-or seven-year-old daughter who really wants to buy a set of furniture for her Barbie doll, but colleagues have never promised her. Just as her daughter was going to take part in a piano competition, her mother set a goal for her: "If she can make it to the final, she can buy it." For this set of toy furniture, the little girl took the initiative to practice the piano for a period of time, and sat in front of the piano by herself when the time came. And I will never bargain with my parents about how many times a piece of music has to be played.
After a period of preparation, my daughter participated in the preliminaries and entered the finals with not too good results. At this time, my daughter asked to buy "furniture", but my mother still didn’t let go: "You can buy it now, but you can only buy a small set. If you want a big one, you can’t buy it until you win the final." After thinking for a while, my daughter decided to buy it after the finals, because she still likes the complete set of furniture, not only the bed, wardrobe, dressing table, but also the bookcase and sofa!
I persisted in practicing for another week. In the final, my daughter played very well, and even won the first place in this group, and unexpectedly won the prize of 300 yuan. The little girl "earned" money with her own efforts for the first time! The whole family happily went to the shopping mall and let the little girl choose a set of Barbie furniture by herself. The daughter also bought a small toy for her newborn cousin with the rest of the money.
"’Moderate dissatisfaction’ can make the child jump again and give her motivation in all aspects. Of course, when she was a child, she could use material’ temptation’ as the mainstay. After that, turning to the goal of knowledge learning may be ideal in the future. " This is the mother’s experience. She remembers reading a very typical case of teaching children, reminding herself to keep their children curious and have "desires" while protecting their dreams.
This case is: "Many years ago, a child was playing in the yard and his mother was cooking in the house. When the meal is cooked, the mother asks the child to come back for dinner. The child says I’m going to play on the moon. The mother says go ahead and don’t forget to come back for dinner. The little boy really went to the moon later. He was Gagarin of the former Soviet Union. We must pay special attention to children’s dreams, and create opportunities for children to have dreams and make him motivated. " Our reporter Li Xinling
Editor: Wang Jiaolong